At this time last year, I was a workaholic and a people pleaser. Believing that my worth was tied up in what I produced and what I contributed. That I was responsible for everyone and everything. I got love from making people happy. And I would work tirelessly to do that. Like the energizer bunny.
I was tired, dwindling, my battery running out.
Although…
I could feel something…a little light inside me, just barely starting to flicker…
Something MORE.
Like I could do more…BE more.
I had started dabbling in the idea of being a “Healer,” but it seemed so foreign, so not “me,” that I was afraid to look at it, let alone “own it,” and frankly, didn’t even know how.
That is when I found Kairos Healers Academy, a magical trade school for healers. Little did I know what I was in for. The most epic healing journey of my life.
LOVING MYSELF AND LETTING GO - EASE AND FLOW
First order of business…I had to give my Achiever (workaholic) and my Caretaker (people pleaser) new jobs. They had been doing their best to protect me my whole life in the only way they knew how, by working harder and “loving” more.
Time for a career change.
My Caretaker became my Self-Lover who was in charge of making sure I was loving myself first, teaching me how to say no, have fun, play AND rest…which is very hard to do when you’ve put everyone and everything else first your entire life. Fun, play…what is that??
My Achiever became my Warrior. The one I depend on when I’m afraid to speak my truth, shine my light, shrink in fear of being judged, not knowing what will happen, and letting go of control.
With these 2 at the helm, I was able to finally commit to selling my family-run business despite the fear of letting everyone down. As much as I loved what I did and who I was working with, I was searching for MORE…
I was able to realize my soul needed to be rekindled. It needed a retreat, quiet, and rest.
With this awareness, I was given the strength to move out of living in a multi-generational house with my sister and her family, despite the fear and guilt of abandoning and not being able to take care of the people I was leaving behind.
If I couldn’t take care of myself, I would not be there to take care of anyone else.
I magically found a house for my soul to rejuvenate -- by the water, surrounded by trees, where I feel like I’m camping and on vacation every day.
For this to happen, I also had to let go of control. I had to learn that ultimately I have no control. Control is an illusion…my way of creating a false sense of safety. At any point in time, my world can be turned upside down.
Typically, the crazier the world gets, the more I feel I need control of something, whether that is my children, my body, my money, the people and things around me. It makes me feel safe. The unknown is FUCKING SCARY!!
And to trust that there is something bigger than myself, that if I really allow myself to succumb to its natural flow, believe that I am going to be ok, that I will have everything that I need when I need it, even if I let go of control and step into the unknown…seems INSANE!!!
But when I really did it…really trusted… everything just fell into place.
Despite the chaos of my husband’s heart surgery, taking classes, running a business, selling a business, working on starting up a new business, cleaning out and organizing one house to move to the other, and navigating the hurt emotions of those I was leaving behind, it all felt EASY.
I just knew exactly what I needed to do, when I needed to do it, where I needed to be, how I needed to respond with precision and clarity -- everything just magically fell into place with no overwhelm -- I was in the Flow.
THE RAPIDS BEGIN - DEEPER LAYERS OF LETTING GO
That’s when the rapids began. And boy did I get rolled.
As much as I wanted to wrap up the sale of the business with a pretty yellow bow and make everyone happy, it looked more like a grenade on a battlefield.
The more I
tried to protect, and fix, for everyone's sake...
due to fear and misunderstandings, on everyone's side...the more anger and resentment accrued.
It was yet another lesson for me in letting go. I was keeping myself enmeshed and stuck because I wanted to control how it all turned out -- I wanted it to be beautiful and peaceful with everyone working together.
“I will do it if it kills me,” was my motto during this time. And that it was doing…It was sucking the life out of me.
I needed this “churning and getting tossed around” to learn on a deeper level that I had no control over how people reacted or what these actions would cause.
To get myself out, I had to let go of my judgments of right and wrong and be able to honor where we all were at in our journeys. This is where we all needed to be to learn the lessons we needed to learn to move forward or stay stuck.
I had to keep moving forward…keep following my heart.
THE NEXT LAYER - LOOKING WITHIN - DIVING DEEP
To follow my heart, meant that I had to claim I was a healer. And to do that I had to dive…
I had to let go of beliefs that I was not enough, that I didn’t know enough, and that I had to keep searching outside myself for answers.
On the flip side, I also believed I was too much, people wouldn’t be able to handle me, that I shouldn’t take up space, that I would make people uncomfortable.
I had to travel into the dark to find where these beliefs originated and understand they were nothing more than defense mechanisms I had unknowingly put in place to “protect” myself from getting hurt.
I had to allow myself to “see” and get comfortable with the innate gifts I was brought into the world with and then let go of the belief that I was not worthy to have and use them.
Who was I to “heal” to “make this world a better place”? Ultimately, I had to ask myself “Who would I be if I didn’t?”
In the end, it came down to the realization that I didn’t have to DO anything at all.
I just needed to BE ME. Just by being me, I bring love, joy and harmony into the world.
UNLEASHING THE FALLS - STANDING IN MY TRUTH
The last part of my healer journey this year was learning to stand in my truth and speak up for myself.
I have finally realized, that because I was so busy “seeking to understand;” working to “see through people’s armor;” to see things from their perspective; comprehending why they were behaving the way they were towards me, and making the judgements they were making, I never “sought to be understood.”
I kept waiting for them to ask why. I've realized, most people don’t want to understand…it’s easier that way. It’s more comfortable and less work to only understand one side. To feel “right,” “justified.”
Because I understood, I believed I needed to “sit and take it.”
Partly because I felt guilty for knowing my decisions made from loving myself had made people I loved feel and act this way. Even though I understood I was not responsible for their feelings, the guilt still would not allow me to get angry at being mistreated and misunderstood.
Now I see it…now I understand…seek to understand and seek to be understood. It’s a two-way street.
It brought me to a deeper place of clarity on my why:
To build bridges and create safe places to dissolve misunderstandings and fear, by reconnecting with ourselves, others, and the natural world.
I will no longer sit and take it. I will share my side. What they do with that is out of my control, but at least I have stood in my power and spoken my truth. I have Unleashed my Falls.
So watch out world…here comes the disruptor to show you the other side…whether you are ready or not.
And from that place…
I HEAL.
******
Where are you on your journey?
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