I’ve always done things to prove myself and protect others. 

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This was my way of getting love. 

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I figured out at an early age, before 4, that everyone has a lot of emotional turmoil going on, so if I was a good girl, perfect, and took care of everyone, then they wouldn’t have to worry about me. 

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My belief was that I was strong enough to take it, so put it on me, let everyone else rest and have the time to figure out “their stuff”. A lot to take on for a 4 year old. 

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From this time on, my Caretaker and my Achiever were born and they ruled my life for a long time, from my decisions and actions, to the voices I heard in my head. 

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I’m not going to lie, they helped me create many wonderful things in my life from being recruited to the Air Force Academy to swim, to being a 14 time NCAA Swimming All American, to starting and growing FLOW Aquatics, a successful family run swim school for the last 20 years, to bearing and raising 2 amazing and incredible children in between it all. 

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They also pushed me hard and ran me ragged, until I had nothing left.  I felt dead inside, empty.  I had lost my light. Ending in my divorce, after 15 years of marriage. 

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The years of:

• Always putting everyone first, whether that be my family, my relationships or my clients.  

• Not being able to say no. 

• Not being able to confront.

• Always having to keep the peace.

• Always taking on the “challenge” and figuring out a way. 

• Always working long hours to get it done and make everyone happy.

• Always being the strong one, the “superhero.”    

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And part of that acceptance is honoring myself, following what my soul needs, and letting go of the Caretaker and the Achiever roles as they are no longer, and never were, serving me or others, particularly my family. Realizing that by taking it on for everyone else, I was inadvertently saying they weren’t strong enough to take it on themselves.  I was not allowing them to grow, experience life, and be who they are truly meant to be.  I was holding them back, not allowing them to shine and ultimately ended up hurting the people I love and wanted to protect the most, the worst. (Story to come…) 

 

By releasing these roles, although freeing for me, it’s been challenging for those around me.  Their stronghold, the one they could rely on is no longer there, causing upheaval and chaos, pain and suffering. It’s causing life. And with life, there is death and rebirth. 

 

I believe in life…I believe that through life, our souls have a chance to learn the lessons we need to learn to take the next step in our evolution, should we so choose. 

 

Although my instinct is to protect and help as it’s hard to watch someone in pain, I also now realize I am not the one responsible to make this happen. I can not do it for them. Each individual person needs life to happen to be able to make that choice on their own and I believe each individual person has that power within them -- shining brightly, waiting to be rediscovered.