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Part 2: Facing My Deepest Fears - Through the West with Jaguar

Updated: Dec 19, 2023

MY TRIP THROUGH THE MEDICINE WHEEL

(A 4-PART SERIES)



To the Winds of the West, 

Great Jaguar, Otorongo, 

You who have no fear and no enemies,

Allow us to walk with integrity, 

As we journey into the darkness to find the light. 

Help us travel to the deepest depths with courage and 

Give us the ability to see through the dark. 

You who know the way beyond death,

Teach us how to journey to the other side and back.

Protect our medicine space.


The West - Journey into the Depths with Jaguar


This is the section of the wheel where we have to walk with fearlessness and courage to be able to see the parts of ourselves we are afraid of or too ashamed to see AND claim them.  Where we face our deepest and darkest fears, even death. 


This is where we have to claim the things that trigger us, the things we disapprove of in others AS OUR OWN, and be brave enough to look inside to see where we ARE this way…whether it is to others or ourselves.  

There are things we would NEVER do or say to another person, but we do it or say it to ourselves repeatedly. Or it may be a belief we didn’t even know we had. To find it we just have to be open, look for, and acknowledge it. Not an easy task.


It’s not about getting rid of the parts of ourselves we do not like, it is about owning and accepting that part of ourselves and bringing it to the light. AND remembering that IT IS a part of ourselves, so we can better understand and have compassion for others.


On the other side of that coin, it is also being aware of the parts of others we love and admire and being able to own that part of ourselves as well. Often it is harder to see the beautiful parts of ourselves than it is to see the ugly.



WORDS ON MY DEATHBED

One of the processes we went through involved imagining we just died and people were speaking about us. We had to answer the question what are 3 things you would NOT want them to say about you?


I listed:

  • That I was hateful, hurtful, and cruel.

  • That I had no heart and soul.

  • That I was pure evil.


The thought that someone would actually say that about me was gut-wrenching, heart-crushing, and brought tears to my eyes.


And yet, it was a reality. 


I currently have a situation in my life, where I unintentionally hurt a person I love so badly, they now see me as evil…as the devil


Before coming to this training, I was able to see where my survival patterns, my “stories,” or the lens I saw through, contributed to the misunderstanding…the betrayal on multiple levels.  But I just could not see myself as EVIL. 

And I knew if I was ever going to be able to be in a place of peace where I could sit down with someone who sees me in that light, whether they ever forgive me or not…I would have to find where it is in myself and own it.


I knew I would have to travel to the deepest, darkest places of myself.


That is what I came here for. Jaguar is by my side…GAME ON. 


LOOKING EVIL IN THE FACE AND OWNING IT

So when we were tasked with doing past life regressions it was no surprise that I found my life as a serial killer. 


The surprise came when it was in the lifetime where I had experienced the most suffering. 


Part of this process was not only to see the lifetime, but also to see ourselves on our deathbed, hold our “past” head in our “current” hands, and let ourselves go with compassion. 


How do I find compassion for a person (myself) who inflicted so much pain and terror on his (my) victims? 


THE REGRESSION


***

The first image I saw was of:


Him (me) walking gracefully and stealthily at night in the shadows caused by the street lamps. I was on a cobblestone street, a horse and carriage passing by. I was dressed in a well-tailored black suit, with a black cloak and top hat carrying a black cane with a gold nob on top.  I was waiting for my victim to come out of her lover’s house. They’d just fought. I’d been watching her for months and knew her schedule and routines.  It was almost the break of day…now was time. 

***


I felt it…how much anger I had inside, how much rage and torment, how much pain and utter terror I wanted to cause. 


It still brings tears to my eyes. 


But to have compassion for such a person…for myself?


I had to understand where all of those thoughts and feelings originated.  


***

So I looked for the beginning of (my) life:


I saw the death of my mother…being stabbed by my alcoholic father.  She didn’t treat me much better than a dog, but at least she acknowledged my existence.  My only friend was my dog. And when he tried to protect me from my father, he was also killed.  


I became too much of a hassle so when my father didn’t need me to be his caretaker, I was locked in the dark, damp cellar.  After the terror of being alone and in the darkness receded, I found comfort in the solitude.  It was quiet. I felt safe in the unseen. I made friends with the rats and the bugs crawling around.  I also developed a keen sense of smell and hearing since I was not able to see well in there. I started being able to observe patterns and connect things that once seemed obscure. 


One day I was able to get free of the cellar, ran away, and never looked back.  Although, I did have to learn how to survive in a cruel world.  Especially one that punished me every time I showed my face in the light of day.


So I learned to live and survive in the night. Over time and through ingenuity I was able to make a good life for myself -- “well to do, yet invisible.”


My victims were all ages, all sexes, all shapes and sizes. The only thing they had in common was that they were victims themselves, stuck in situations they could not see a way to get out of.  Killing them was my way of giving them peace. Inflicting so much pain and terror in the light (at the break of day), that they would feel safe in the dark…in my realm. 

***

Seeing this part of (my) story, my suffering as a child, and how it caused me to see things through a “warped” lens, was enough for me to have compassion and let myself go with love and forgiveness on my deathbed.  


But to claim the “Evil” in myself in THIS lifetime…was even harder. 


I had to challenge myself to identify with the qualities that I felt I had in common, could relate to, or even admire... 


  • Being misunderstood -- no one wants to understand.

  • Wanting to isolate -- to retreat from society so I could only be seen in the shadows.

  • To hide in the darkness and only come out when I was ready.

  • There is safety and silence in the darkness, the aloness. 

  • In the dark, no one can hurt me, no one can see me. I feel safe.

  • Meticulous, calculated, cunning. 

  • Intelligent and strategic, can see patterns and connections in things and see them play out to the end.  

  • Adaptive, able to camouflage and blend in. 

  • Strength and agility like a jaguar. 

  • Incredible insight and perception. 


As well as the fact, that I have always been afraid to express my anger in fear that I may physically hurt, even kill somebody.  An unconscious belief, that when it came to the surface, I never understood…until now.  


Combined, all these realizations have helped me claim and identify with the EVIL inside of me.  Accept it, not judge it, or try to hide it from myself, but allow myself to work through it if I ever feel it emerging.  I am human after all.

Will this really help me sit in the same room with someone who sees me as “evil” or more challenging yet, sit in the same room with someone I “judge” as evil or wrong?  Will I be able to stay in a state of non-judgment and compassion? 


I can hope…AND time will tell.  The Universe has a great way of making sure we have “learned” the lesson with its “pop quizzes,” so I’m sure they will be showing up soon! I will be sure to let you know.


Now on to the North, dancing with Hummingbird, and seeing the Beauty and Joy in everything.


******


Where are you on your journey?


If you are brave enough to share, I would love to hear...please leave a comment below.



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