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2023 - The Year of "F*¢K It"

Updated: Apr 30, 2023

Put myself first in everything I do and surrender to the flow (letting go of control).

This was my intention for the New Year this year. At first it seemed like they were two totally separate things, yet as life is unfolding, I can already see how they are intricately intertwined.

First, a bit about putting myself first in everything I do…yes…this means being SELF-ish, which in society's eyes is a no, no. We are always supposed to put everyone and everything before ourselves. We are supposed to think about other people's feelings before our own. We are supposed to get our work done and take care of everyone else before we can rest and play.

I beg to differ…or so I am learning. For the very first time this year, I was able to put myself on my grateful list. WHAT??!!! I’d been doing gratefulness journals for years and everyone and everything I could think of was on that list, even my toothbrush,… except me…I never made it on the list. What does that say about programming?

So back to this word SELF-ish. My definition means to truly tap in, listen to my body, listen to my feelings and honor what is coming up. Another word I have chosen to give it is SELF-LOVE. An example of this would be if someone asks me to a party or an event I do not want to go to, even if it is a good friend or my mother. Instead of worrying about hurting his/her feelings (that is their stuff and an entirely different conversion for the future), I listen to myself, respectfully decline and say I’m honoring myself and my need for some alone and quiet time right now. Thank you for thinking of me. Simple as that…I’ve loved myself first.

For me, this means learning to put up boundaries and learning to say no. I’ve always had this Caretaker side of me, which I now realize, has not done me any favors over the years, except for running me ragged. I developed this side of me when I was really young and figured out everyone had so much “stuff” going on, if I was the strong one, took care of everything and everyone else they wouldn’t have to worry about me and could take more time for themselves. It was my way of getting love…by ensuring people liked me. If I did this for people, I believed they would love me.

What I didn’t realize was by getting this external “fix” on “love” I was sacrificing time for myself, my children, and my family. I’m now almost 49 and seriously trying to figure out what I like to do for fun??!! That is heartbreaking. I’ve spent so many years taking care of everyone else, I don’t even know what I like to do for myself.

As for surrendering to the flow (letting go of control). This one originally seemed to be for letting go of the Achiever part of myself. The part of myself that was always pushing to be better, always making sure everything ran without a hitch, working long hours to get it done, finding the fastest most efficient route, being responsible with money, making sure it was “perfect,” I was “perfect.” How exhausting and not fun…yet all things we normally think are commendable in society’s eyes.

I can now also see that control as a Caretaker looked like always trying to control the outcomes so it would come out ok for everyone, making sure everyone was taken care of, making sure everyone was safe.

What I have learned is that ultimately we have no control. Control is an illusion…our way of creating a false sense of safety. At any point in time our world can be turned upside down. Typically, the crazier the world gets, the more we feel we need control of something, whether that is our kids, our bodies, our money, the people and things around us. It makes us feel safe. The unknown is FUCKING SCARY!! And to trust that there is something bigger than ourselves, that if we really allow ourselves to succumb to it’s natural flow, believe that we are going to be ok, that we will have everything that we need when we need it, even if we let go of control and step into the unknown…seems INSANE!!!

So this year, 2023, I have declared as the year of FUCK IT. I’m tired of living small, I’m tired of believing I have to do it all on my own, I’m tired of worrying, being scared and trying to “figure out” what and how things are going work. I’m tired of always trying to be better, more, and live up to society’s standards. So I am trusting that as I am bravely stepping into the flow of the unknown, despite feeling CRAZY, everything is going to be ok!! I am letting go of the responsibilities towards everyone and solely focusing on loving me. (To clarify, when I say everyone, this means everyone who is an adult and capable of taking care of themselves.) I am officially hanging up my Caretaker and Achiever coats and putting on my Self Love coat for the first time in my life.

What this looks like so far this year:
  • Finally deciding to sell my almost 20-year-old family-run business, despite knowing all the chaos it could cause for everyone around me, including potentially blowing up my family.

  • Finally trusting myself and my intuition and launching a new healing business in alignment with my soul; doing what I knew has been inside me for years, revealing who I really am and how I want to be in the world, despite the risk and what people may think

  • Finally accepting that after 6 years, I had to move out of a shared living space with my sister and her family, despite the heartbreak and turmoil, and find the home of my dreams, the one that feeds my soul.



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